While none of the above signs by themselves are proof of online cheating, taken as a whole they may well indicate another point of interest for your spouse. See if you both are on the same page As if human relationships were not complicated enough, the internet has brought in further complexities in the form of questions whether chatting online constitutes infidelity. The fact though remains that any relationship, sexual or non-sexual, which causes a person to become emotionally distant from his or her partner is harmful, and online dating, when one's motives are impure, is not an exception to this rule.
Typically, when individuals engage in online relationships, they do so without their partner's knowledge, and they hide what they are doing under a veil of secrecy. In all these ways, this type of online behavior is not unlike that of those who are involved in sexual infidelity. Further, the amount of attention that is being placed on the online relationship inevitably takes time and attention off of the primary relationship, and this alone has the potential to cause problems between a couple.
Also, apparently innocent online chatting can quickly and easily turn into a relationship that is romantic or sexual in nature; thus it is possible that your spouse may have joined the dating site not for some harmless chatting but for the sole purpose of meeting someone with whom they can pursue a physical relationship. Therefore, while it might be argued that online chatting is more or less a "safe" form of cheating, or not cheating at all, it cannot be denied that it has the potential to bring harm to the primary relationship. Instead of crying or throwing a fit, listen to what your spouse has to say and then ask if you can think about it.
In the meantime gather your thoughts and especially go over the reasons why your spouse feels the need to look elsewhere for conversation or bonding. After you discover that your husband has visited an online dating site, you will probably have strong feelings of betrayal, anger and mistrust. Trusting your husband again will take time and commitment from both parties. Share with him how his behavior has affected you. Consider asking him to recommit to fix the marriage and outline your expectations for your marital commitment.
If you and your husband have difficulty talking about his online behavior or if you are unable to rebuild trust and recommit to saving your marriage, a counselor may be able to help you, suggests MayoClinic. During counseling, you and your husband will have the chance to share your perspectives and to hear feedback on how to improve your trust, love and intimacy. A marriage counselor can help you learn how to communicate your needs more effectively, which may prevent future breaches of trust. I plan on purchasing the book. I have been with my fiance for 5 years. Have been going to therapy for 1 month now.
I was so heart broken and in tears ever since. What to do, do I have sex with him knowing is not love and intimacy for him? I love this man and want to make it work.
Why do men use dating sites and cheat
I just would like for him to have eyes for only me, be in love with me and for us to be orgasmically happy. Lonely and Sad, Thank you. Dear Judith You are right that he is merely using you biologically, but he does not know that. Because of worse than zero marital training in our society he is as much a victim as you are, it is just worse for you because you are not able to just walk away not that you want to. He is looking for what his soul is yearning for, but his mind is driven by his procreative drive, and confused by the stupid non solutions the world has to offer.
Men do not grasp love, for what it is, so it is up to the loyal wife to understand her husband and lovingly nudge him back into her heart…but chances are you are not yet acting from a heart centered place, even though you write very well. The book will help you immensely! The course would be greatly helpful as well. I hope commitment and marriage will be the outcome from your studies… I would suggest you stop the meeting with the therapist, as your husband is using it to vent and that will only strengthen the error, as his mind rationalizes away his practical responsibilities.
I want it to be. Im going to make this work! One last question…do I share this course with him? So we both follow it together? Or do I keep all these studies to myself? Dear Judith Free will is one of the greatest gifts each of us have been given. The slightest idea that someone is imposing on our free will causes defensiveness. For that reason we suggest you start the course and book, and after a time you can tell him what you are doing.
Best, in your situation where there is already a lot of resentment, to not even mention that he also has full access, unless he asks. The, if he does, play it cool… As you start implementing changes you can share how much help you are getting, but wait a month or so before you say anything. Paul, I have been reading all the sad stories women have written and it makes me ask why? I like the other women have been married 21years to a man that has LOTS of issues. We have 3 remarkable children, two are almost out of college and my little guy is My 18 year old daughter had a paper to write for school and had to use the office computer because hers was out of juice and the paper had a submission deadline.
She came upstairs a bit later and was visibly upset, I knew somethings wrong. I persisted calmly and sat her down and she fell apart. Its aweful when your children are victims because of someone elses fantasy issues. I reassured the girls its not there fault or mine. This is his choice and we are where we put ourselves. I dont feel a confrontation will prove anything but make it worse.
I however have some soul searching and thinking to do. I believe this is a symptom of a bigger problem. I am aware that I am also not faultless here either. But Its important how I handle this because It greatly affects my children. I am not in a position to divorce him not sure its a solution. WE Are where we put ourselves. I am mad yes Id like to kick his ass for being so stupid and If pursues these women Ill have my answer I also know all it will take is one of his manic episodes and they wont stick around but I dont have to be a doormate either.
My girls are watching me and I must make smart not emotional choices for there sakes. They want confrontation I said its respectfully my love relationship and I must make the decisions. It sucks being the only grown up sometimes, They will also need help with there Dad but for now ME First. Not sure how there male realtionships will be affected in the future. I guess most of all its my choice to stay or go for now. Dear Sharon You have confused yourself with too much reading of differing points of view, but have come to some very good conclusions.
What we did was to establish our work in universal principles, and never stray from them in our teachings, constantly challenging ourselves to remain consistent. I suggest you do the same with your conclusions, but remain a woman and a wife. You would get a lot of help from our teachings, and hope you consider it. Thanks for the helpful reply. Part of being married is for better or worse, guess this is the worse part YUCK anyway. I am a conservative and have a strong faith.
I believe I can draw on it once again to regain my own confidence. Its never fun or funny its a sad state of the union when this rotten stuff happens but I must believe its a symptom of a weakness in my relationship. I can only control my own behavior and with prayer and alot of being my consistent self I must be get through this. If he chooses to leave me and his children its he that will loose. I am not going to go down the low road and will have to read and educate myself more to help to bring about a livable outcome for all of us.
Like I said someone has to be grown up…thank for the kind ear. I just found my husband on a dating website..
What To Do If You Find Your Husband On Dating Sites?
The reasons you do not confront your husband is because it will do much harm, no good, and probably spin off into much more drama. Can you imagine any person who has been caught actually responding well?? Only in a movie, perhaps, but even if he was contrite, and fell at your feet seeking forgiveness, that would be purely reactive, and short lived.
But usually the reaction is either defensive, insulted or the beginning of the end. Additionally, most women catch their husband because they snooped; which will then become an issue, which distracts. Often, sometimes years later sometimes less , husbands respond to the changed wife and take up the mission of creating a true marriage along with their wise wife who led the way.
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The husband who cheats is, by definition, unable to handle his married life or wife and has found an escape. He is not of sound mind, but is damaged; and you do not know how badly. I have a similar situation. Been married 10 years , 2 young daughters. My wife and I seperated 9months ago for anout a month. It was prompted by her built up frustration over the years. I moved to a hotel … During this time and a week previous to this I had caught her sex chatting online.
I confronted her she played it down. The same week I moved out she constantly rang to make sure the comming Saterday night I would be with the kids…. I thought it strange but as I was desperately trying to fix our marriage.. I complied without question. That night my 4 year old daughter said something i wrong with her ipad..
I looked and it was pop up messenger communication sexual natured of my wife arranging a liason with a stranger… I flipped…. Well a month later I moved back in.. She promised me it was a one off… I forgave… Since then I recently found out she has been having an affair for 8months. She confessed I got angry found the guy… She broke it off.
Since then I have had trust issues. I opened a Ashley Maddison account and tried to look for her… Yesterday I found her pretending to be someone else. She was ready to meet me and stated she is in an unhappy marriage looking for fun. Our sex lives are great.. She openly admits that but letting it go so many times, I feel she thinks its acceptable behavior that if found out i will over look if I catch her. I dont want to teach my childrren that someone can do the same to them and they should always forgive. I would be surprised if you did not fall into this routine, and suggest you look at your behaviors towards your wife with a critical eye.
How a wife leaves her husband is almost never typical. Your wife, for instance, got into a pretty self destructive routine in her search for her way out, and I am sure her mind is doing the best it can sorting everything into rationalization that makes it all seem okay to her. I would laser focus on our materials, books or course, or both; and let her know you are trying with all you have…but I would not expect anything from her in return.
But you do need to work on the only person who you can influence; you! Hope this is helpful. I read what you say to do but I felt like you were blaming me for his behavior. I am not going to take the blame for his behaviors.. If he walks well he walks I really do not care but I refuse to be the escape goat for his misgivings. However, the fact is neither women or men understand marriage when they get married or ever, in most cases , and by the time the marriage is falling apart it is almost always only one of you that wants to do anything about it.
If you go through our blogs you will see that when a man comes for help he is told what he needs to do, and when a woman comes for help we tell her what she can do; and it is not the same. If you are able to tame your anger, which we teach in our materials, you will be in a better place to be objective about whether to stay or not. If you have children we hope you stay, but that is general, and sometimes not the best, either. Either way, we teach people how to be married, how to manage their emotions and how to succeed.
I hope you look at more of our material before you write us off. All of a sudden, he is ALWAYS working during the week, weekends, holidays, late nights , yet our bills are no longer being paid and now my paycheck is disappearing too. I have RA and started my infusions. I asked him to come to the first appointment because I was scared and did not know how I would react to the medicine. Now he has his phone with him and made another fb page and another gmail account. He says he loves me, but his actions show different. I have caught him in so many lies and he is so sneaky now.
I know he is using drugs and he has gotten is several car accidents and our auto insurance got canceled. My depression is so bad and I am in such a dark place. My son is almost 18 and the only one I am concered about is our puppy and who will take care of her. I know it will hurt my dad, but I have decided to kill myself. I just cant take losing the love of my life and my best friend. The pain is too great. If it were not for great challenges none of us would grow psychologically or spiritually, so the right attitude to have about challenges is gratitude.
The truth is that as a human being you have greater opportunities than any other living thing; but they are only opportunities. It is up to you to learn how to conquer life, and make yourself happy. Nobody can make you happy! Your husband is doing all kinds of wrong things, but think about how much damage he is doing to himself! You need to be as objective and loving as you can, or you will never see the way out of your pain and suffering.
I know you can do this,and I am sure the stresses, the situation and even the medications you take are all impacting you. But it is your challenge, and you need to do the best you can…and do not be ashamed or afraid to get some help!!! There are times when we just cannot do it alone, and this sounds like one of those times for you.
Need advice for my daughter. Her husband was diagnosed with adult ADD and takes adderall. He is in school after the Navy and works part time. He has all the classic ADD symptoms and she had a hard time adjusting at first but is trying to accept. He also has had a binge drinking problem and has ended up in the hospital because of that. He has, for years lied about how much he is drinking.
He has been unfaithful and has been on dating sites a couple of different times. He says it is her that is abusing him. She is so confused. She has not always had the best reactions to his unfaithfulness and his drinking, but I believe that is a human reaction. She wants to have the marriage work, but he moved out- at least part time, he does help with the baby. I am worried because he tends to take adderall and drink and I am worried about him driving with my grandson. Should she continue to try? He will improve for awhile and then start the same behavior over again.
Should she live her whole life like this? Dear Judy My heart goes out to all of you, as your situation is so very difficult, and not fixable by either you or your daughter. However, the drinking was part of the package your daughter married, it appears. She likely knew about the drinking before she got pregnant.
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She knew what she was getting into, and chose to have a child anyway. Now, no matter how you slice it, they will be together in some fashion for the rest of their lives. This is a fact! So, the many negatives your daughter, her husband, and your grandson face may seem insurmountable. But, still, you must try to help your daughter, and your son in law, if you can.
My humble opinion is that you reach out to your son in law and show him love in any motherly way you can, so he has a connection to his family as he goes through his personal trials. Resolve to be there for him, without being an enabler of course. Make yourself a saint to him, but not a martyr. You know, the only reason people drink is to alter their consciousness, thus escape.
If one is complete in themselves, by feeling love, there is almost no chance they would want to alter their consciousness. Be supportive of their keeping the family together in every way you can without being intrusive, and take care of your grandson as often as possible. Free will is key to healing ourselves, Nobody can force another to do what is best, we can only offer.
Yes, my daughter obviously knew of the drinking problem before the baby was born. They met in college and I believe since she had gone through some tough times, she loved him and felt she could help him. She has always been the type to look out for her friends in need. He says he did think they were perfect for each other at first, but I believe the drinking, the hard Navy life for the first couple of years, the ADD and ups and downs with medication, took a toll.
My daughter always said she took her marriage vows very seriously, but now after the back and forth, she is not so sure. I see our grandson every week so we are very involved as are the in laws, who are wonderful people, but are so amazed that their son is doing this, they seem to ignore and try to act as if everything is normal.
We have talked in the past, but he seems to not hear a lot of what I have tried to discuss, as his ADD gets in the way and he just blankly stares or nods his head. I am not sure how to approach him. How do I talk to him when he deals with ADD and has a short attention span, be motherly and help him. I am at a loss. I do think my daughter maybe not this week, since she is still reeling from his pics on the dating site will be open to trying.
Dear Judy I am glad you are more open to my perspective now, because I want your daughter and son in law to have the kind of life they should have, based on what marriage is, and what it gives. I have seen some true miracles based on what people have come to expect.
The courses and books that came after have it all too, so when a wife goes for it, and uses what we teach, the failures are so rare that I cannot recall any; and I have seen much worse situations than your family is now faced with. But, unless your daughter 1 truly wants her family back some subconsciously give up and 2 finds our approach as viable, we cannot help. The power of the wife is missed in modern society, as women have had to fight for social equality, and then find her self while battling ignorance.
But the truth is women are the dynamo of mankind because of their heart-centricity. This does not mean, in any way, to become a doormat!! But the power of love is the greatest power, and your daughter needs to understand what all that means so she can apply it. I understand that she would have to be committed to the idea of saving their marriage.
I will bring your program up to her. One thing I notice through your whole presentations and letters is that it is the wife that must do these things. Are you saying that in everyone one of your cases, the wife does all of the studying, learning, and changes and the husband just naturally changes and is happy with his marriage? That he will always stop his destructive behavior if the wife changes her ways and attitudes? Dear Judy Men are limited in their perspective because of how the innate drive to survive works through the male psyche.
Obviously, because there are no absolutes in the world, there are times when men step up to the plate first. But normally it is the wife who takes the lead. Usually it is within months, though. I suppose it depends on the two individuals, but yes, the wife is in the drivers seat once she understands what we teach and begins to apply it. You are leary, and expectedly so, because there is so much misinformation at our finger tips. The teachings we put out are nearly pure science, and the results are very predictable. There are of course exceptions, like how bad your son in law is reduced by the drugs and alcohol, but we can be hopeful.
The reason we guarantee our courses is because we only want success, and it can take time, so there is no 90 or day guarantee…it is forever. If your daughter is drawn to use our teachings she will absolutely benefit, and hopefully to the point of healing of her husband, and family. I still think it is a good idea for YOU to let your son in law know you still love him, because he is driving through hell right now, and he needs love and a hand ready to lift him out, or at least encouragement to try. We grew up together, have 3 children, two of which will be 18 soon. I never dreamed for a single second he would have an affair.
My curiosity was peeked after his sudden extreme interest in a form of sex, that I am not in the very least interested in. I understand that our interests change as we age. However, this was learned behavior. One sign I should have caught, is how over protective he is over his phone. One was an email from the woman who is a Realtor. He has her in his phone as an employee where he works. Here is the short version. He denied, denied, denied.
We are just friends. The most recent affair was during a time I battled cancer. I realized how short life is. I always thought he was the sweetest, most loyal, loving family man. Everyone is in shock. No one believes he is capable of being THAT guy.
When your Spouse has Signed up with Dating Websites
My kids want me to leave him. This affair destroyed a family. They threw themselves at me. He leaves out, years later, he reaches out for more. Everyone says they expected out of the two of us, it would be me having affairs. Dear Sloan There is so much confusion in the world about what marriage is, and why men and women act the way they do, and what one should do in this case or that.
It is why I sorted universal principles into a process to help couples, and then into a first book, then a second.
Your challenge is not as much with your husband as it is with understanding what the heck is going on. In other words, our books, or course, would be ideal for you.
When You Catch Your Partner in an Online Dating Site
Cherry picking one or another topic for you would never do, it would only add to your confusion. But I will say this; if you want your marriage to work, and to have more than you even thought possible, you will almost for sure be able to have that. Is there any way or circumstances that you can tell him that you know about this or better not at all? We are only married for a year. Dear Lara, I would describe your situation as needing more than a bandaid.
But that is not easy to find for marriage. It is mostly random ideas, or spiritual ideals, which are not so easy to follow. Your husband is hooked on porn because of many factors, but if you knew how to be there for him he would be able to disengage from this terrible addiction; as that is what it becomes for men. I am glad that your love is true, that you do not condemn him. That is the right way.
Perhaps our teaching can help you. I think they can. Paul, my problem might be a little different. He loved me at the beginning and we felt comfortable being with him, so we got married. Now we have a 2 year old daughter. I want to save the marriage for two reasons 1 Security is more important to me than love. We run a business together, so we are more than business partners during the day, and roommates at night. We have sex once a month. Plus, I am a extreme give and take person based on fairness in nature.
Dear Tina I appreciate your candor, and I will be candid with you, too. Your use of the word love is based on emotions, and is therefore limited. There is real love, which is spiritual in nature. But for reasons neither of us could ever discover and it would be a waste to try your not connected to your heart. Obviously what you present is so loaded, on so many levels, so let me highlight the important considerations, with as much priority as I can attempt. I suggest our book, over our course, to begin with. There are possibilities for you that you cannot presently imagine.
I just recently found out 4 days ago that my husband was on a couple of dating sites for locals to meet. I was very hurt when I found them and did confront him about it but not in any aggressive way. I brought it up during one of our video chats because right now he is deployed. I told him in a loving way that I believed he was sorry and has regrets but the trust was no longer there. I ended the video chat because I had nothing else left to say. Moments later he texts me photos of him deleting all of his accounts and says that he loves me and he will not let his mistake destroy our marriage.
I appreciate his immediate efforts but after that, he continues to ask if he has gained any of my trust back every single day, and every day I say no. He expects this to be a quick fix and this is where things get far more worse. Dear Silvia I am glad you sent this because your marriage should not be lost because of this mishap. It is very rough, discovering your husband was not loyal, and I am sure you feel like it is the end, and there are a lot of people who would agree with you, and what you did.
But there is another way to look at it, and another way to look at him. Men are not women, and when it comes to sex men are simply not connected to their heart. They are driven by their procreative drive to be lustful, and it is only a loyal and tender wife who can give her husband the insight you take for granted. I suggest the following 1. Determine to put off leaving him until you have the chance to work on this in person. Tell him you still love him, but you must work through this, and see if you are able to get past this 3.
Read our book, so you have a better understanding of who and what both of you are you will be surprised 4. If you have children, forget about leaving him, and definitely get our help to put this behind you. I am always saddened by the things people do to each other, the ones they love. But usually the offender needs compassion and love to realize the truth behind marital vows.
It was so strange to me, because he was using a fake name and he was talking to other women, but none of what he was saying was true. There was nothing dirty in the conversations, it really did appear to be just chatting. But he did tell one girl she was better looking than he was. Just a little background info and now back to the point.
Before we met he was on multiple sites, we actually met on a dating site. I did not confront him. Instead I told him I was going to get on some sites to meet some new friends, basically I was being sneaky. When I did this he said what site is it? I said the name, then after a few minutes he said he had to go to the bathroom and I checked and he was no longer on this site. I want to plan and do some special things for us. By that I mean have sex with someone. I will be continuing the advice of not confronting him and just trying to be a good wife and I want my marriage to last!
maschautrellinsi.tk But from a mans prespective, what does this mean? What should I continue to do? Dear Ashley You are smart to continue to be a good wife, despite his mistakes. After all, why would you want to lower yourself. I do not condone his behaviors, but the advice that some experts give, to confront, and somehow get him to come around is dangerous.
Marriage is not so simple. It is as complex as two individuals, combined. But it can be made more simple by having a vision of what marriage is ; the vision, goals, and steps to achieve them. Have you read our book? We also just launched updated courses, and our active military discount will make it easier for you…but that is not posted yet, so you would need to request from our support dept. Glad to hear from you, and stay strong. I came on this site to try and get some sound and workable answers to my predicament. It seems that unless you are in a similar situation no one understands the pain and hurt that the partner feels.
My husband have gone further by actually trying to send pictures to these women. I love him and I know he loves me as he have no problem showing it. However I have not had climaxed in months since finding out. He no longer makes love to me in the same way and reaches his climax quickly. Am highly sexed and he was aware of this before all this started. I feel unwanted and undesired which makes it difficult during sex to climax.
Its like he is having sex with these women and not me. Am considering stopping the sex and just be his wife in all other ways. The hurt have left me crying and resentful, this is not me and am feeling depressed. Dear Miriam I know that is why you came to our website.
Marriage problems are not in the same category as spots on the rug, or learning how to paint your room. The symptoms of a marriage that is not functioning as it should are not like some simple rash, like you might get from a spider bite. Marriage is a complex relationship that has many facets and myriads of interactive opportunities. You cannot learn how to be married, or how to fix your marriage, by reading a few articles, anymore than you can rid yourself of many physical diseases with some herbs, or over the counter medication. The fact that your husband is not connecting with you exclusively is a symptom.
Your caring more about orgasms than connection is a symptom. Not having seen the signs of your husbands discontent is a symptom. If all you want is to be understood, or have the knowledge that you are not alone, you are misunderstanding marriage. And believe me, marriage is so amazing when it is understood that you are currently taking a luxury sedan on a bike trail.
Take what is happening as a wake up call to action! Take our program or read our books. Dear Heather, Your husband is not a business partner, but the man you chose to love and cherish, for better or worse. They fall into the cycle of blame, react, and eventually split. Has it occurred to you, and I say that with all respect and sympathy, that your marriage was already pretty bad?
That your husband was acting out, deplorably of course, but acting out because your communication was not good enough? That your connection was already slipping? Instead of putting conditions on him just to begin reconciliation is a very bad idea. Instead of that I suggest you use our program, which helps you get past this drama, and get a fresh start. I am at the end of my rope, my husband likes to lie and hide stuff.
I got married with him at the age of 17 after coming out pregnant by my first kid, which is now We have 3 kids the baby is turning 6 and the middle one has a chronic illness. I feel so hopeless because this is not the first time he does this. Before I got married to him he brought girls over the house and well who knows what happened. After being married for about 6 years he travel to his country and meets up with his ex girlfriend he was in contact with her through fb Years later I have chosen to forgive and move on and I feel like I find him either trying to smoke weed behind my back or searing in craigslist in the personal section.
Dear Mony Your situation is not easy. Both of you were so young when you got pregnant! Now, you have to analyze what to do. Before I just condemned my husband and moved on I would try to use our program, alone if you have to, to create a better environment that you both want, and love. But it takes work. I think so, but it is only you who can determine that. Me and my partner have been together nearly two years and it has been going downhill for a long time, I am currently using his old mobile, as mine had broken and his e-mails pop up on the phone.
One popped up for a hook up site that was set up just a few months ago. Every time I ask him if he could tidy or take some rubbish out he gets all agressive and blames it on being tired from working when we work the same hours. I need to confont him but he is always angry and turns the tables on me and accuses me of cheating.
Please help, what should I do? Dear Jessica We do not tell wives to leave their husbands because we are very concerned about what the children go through. That is our focus, to help couples have a great marriage, which is almost always possible.